What's the image you see when you think of a gamer? Is it someone in their teens to early forties yelling at strangers over a Razer headset? Or maybe an e-girl/e-boy streaming Persona 5 on Twitch. Well, leave those antiquated expectations behind. We at TheGamer believe that video games are for everyone! So, we're proud to invite a guest columnist to add a new perspective from an octogenarian point of view: Gertie, TheGamer's Grandma!

Related: Best Grandparents In Video Games


Oh, good lord, I can't believe I'm doing this. It took me ten hours to type that first friggin' sentence. But, go ahead, Christopher, meet your damn article quota while I toil away like a kid in a sweatshop! Son of a bitch, where was I? So, I've never played a video game before; I prefer real life. Here's a list of games my grandson told me to write about. I'm just gonna wing it.

THEGAMER VIDEO OF THE DAY

8/8 Resident Evil

Resident Evil Village Cloud Nintendo Switch

Already with this friggin title, what the hell is that supposed to mean! I get an "evil resident," but "resident evil?" Does this person not know grammar, or are they just tryin' to sound fancy or somethin'? And then they got Resident Evil: Village, but there's a mansion. So then, why didn't they call it Resident Evil: Mansion, or just "Evil Mansion." Short. Sweet. Simple.

Okay...um... so, this is a game about this coronavirus, except it turns people into zombies. That sounds like child's play to me. Ever had the shingles? Let me tell ya, worst month of my life! Ugh. I don't wanna talk about this crap anymore, I'm movin' on.

7/8 Need For Speed

need for speed
via EA

Now, THIS is why I don't mess with video games. Shame on the nerds that make this junk, pushing drugs to little kids, you're disgusting!

I can't do this! Oh Marone! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph give me strength. What else is on this list?

6/8 Final Fantasy

Cloud from Final Fantasy 7 Remake

Final Fantasy? If it's so final, why are there a billion of 'em?

Related: Things A Chocobo Could Do If It Had Human Arms

All I'm seein' are skinny-mini young men with spiky hair and swords too big for their bodies. For God's sakes, is anybody feedin' these kids! My husband, Lord bless him, could've wiped the streets with these punks. Oh, that man was the true fantasy. Even from the grave he's givin' me the vapors!

5/8 Roblox

player holding dragon fruit
via GamerNom/YouTube

I told him, I'm not writin' bout this Roblox crap. Every time the great-grandkids come over, all they wanna do is plug in the game thing and play Roblox. I even bought them a crate of real Legos, which are not cheap by the way, and they didn't even open the damn box!

And you know what, I heard they got creepers lurkin' around in those games. Back in my day, you could trust your neighbors. Now, they're kidnappin' your kids with internet toy-bricks! God help us.

4/8 PAC-MAN

an image with Pac-Man on the front and Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde, the Ghosts, on the background. It's a promotional image for Pac-Man World Re-Pac

Ok, even I know PAC-MAN. PAC-MAN I like, cause he eats. That's a boy that listens to his mother when she tells him to mangia! Plus, he protects his family from those ghosty ghouls and has a job! What a man!

What I wouldn't give to have a son like PAC-MAN. Or a daughter like Ms. PAC-MAN. Maybe I'll trade my family in for the PAC-PEOPLE. At least they'll remember to call once in a while!

3/8 Super Mario Bros.

mario and luigi
via Nintendo

Awwwwww. I like him too. Mario's such a sweet, sturdy Italian man. He's a plumber, just like my late husband! Luigi's alright...kinda like my odd brother-in-law, Maurice. You know when somethin's off up there but ya can't figure out what it is? Yup, that's Maurice.

Related: Every Super Mario Game Where You Can Play As Princess Peach

But that Princess Peachfuss, or whatever her name is, that woman is a hoochie if I ever saw one! You're gonna tell me that this woman conveniently gets "captured" by the same giant turtle in every game. I'm sorry, but if that Bowser's a snappin' turtle, then she's snappin' right back. Make no mistake, that "princess" is a "tramp!"

2/8 Dance Dance Revolution

Afro dances across a stereoscape platform while arrows fly up the screen in Dance Dance Revolution V.

Is this that thing where the teenagers stamp on metal and call it dancing? Give me a break. Yeah, I slipped over black ice on my driveway once, so I guess I'm Michelle Kwan. Get real!

If you wanna see some real dancin', go watch Top Hat with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. That's back when you needed talent to become somebody, not some lousy TikTok!

1/8 Saints Row

Saints Row Screenshot Of George

Finally, something on this list with values!

All these games got killers, burglars, guns, pimps, prostitutes, drugs, gang wars, arson, shoot-ups, magic mushrooms, crack dens, hen houses, hippies, club kids, strippers, gamblers, tricks, tricksters, johns, janes, majors, minors, shoplifters, liars, dirty improv comedy, hoohah jokes, potty mouths, bad attitudes, smartasses, dimwits, ne'er do wells, back alley deals, scams, blood wars, blood deals, blood oaths, blood diamonds, necromancy, bestiality, cheaters, pumpkin-eaters, fresh mouths, dirty mouths, salty lads, sassy ladies, funky folk, and anything you'd find stuck to the floor of a dirty movie theater!

I think it's nice that, for once, there's a game putting the focus on the saints, where it should be! God bless you, Saints Row. I'm buying a copy tomorrow!

We regret to inform you that Gertie, TheGamer's Grandma, passed before this article's publication. Sources say that in her final days, Gertie bought a Playstation 5 console, with a copy of Saints Row (2022) from a local Best Buy. She was found by neighbors the following morning lying in rigor mortis next to her television. Autopsy reports suggest she passed from cardiac arrest. We dedicate this piece to her.

Next: Things We Wish We Knew Before Starting Just Die Already