To be Farhaan Behardien

There are two Farhaan Behardiens.

One is a cap-wearing, broda-broda talking, expressionless rapper-like, with a star-demeanour who brushes aside any disappointment that 'doesn't define' him. The other is the No 7 in a line-up of superstars; a utility player in a team of de Villiers, du Plessis and Steyns.

Both Behardiens are outputs of realities, though, none fake. Yet, while the first one is by choice, the second is a by-product of circumstances.

And it's when he stares at the roof and opens up about his World Cup dream, that the two Behardiens come together. "I see myself at Lord's on the 14th of July. The team is 80 for 3, and I come out to bat at 5, I make 80 off 60 balls, get out at 49.5 trying to hit a six, we get to 275. We defend, we win by 20 runs." While he aims for glory and stardom, even in his self-styled dream he is not scoring a century; he is playing the role of an 'effective' team player.

Go figure which Behardien's dream was this!

It was a dream that started with, as he says, "Jonty Rhodes *Pause* 1992 World Cup *Pause* Inzamam-ul-Haq run-out."

"My mom wasn't particularly sporty, but from my dad's side - my brother and I played cricket together, apart from rugby, soccer, squash, tennis, anything with a ball." Cricket wasn't his first love. But it kept his attention after he failed to make it to his school rugby team in the final year. "I got selected for my cricket side later in the year. That kind of chose the path for me. So I stuck to cricket. It was bit of a long journey for me but here's where I stand 12 years (of professional cricket) later."

While rugby was his first sport, the interest in cricket grew simultaneously through the 90s. Hansie Cronje and Allan Donald were among his early favourites. "I grew up in Cape Town, so I came to Newlands on Friday nights to watch 50-over cricket. It was nice."

Little was he to know back then that his most special moment in international cricket would be to come on a Friday night, at an adopted home ground. With several senior players like Hashim Amla, Faf du Plessis, Quinton de Kock and JP Duminy rested, the mantle of captaincy was handed over to Behardien. "I was the most senior guy in the side, I had played six years of international cricket," he recalls. "Linda Zondi came, pat my back and informed me. It was a proud moment. I called up my parents. That night was pretty special, the Friday night at SuperSport Park."

But that moment as the best of his cricketing career, will cease to exist the day he lives his dream. And for that, it's a 10-month road, that is expected to have several bumps of shocks and surprises, of disappointments and bewilderment, from hereon. It will be all that unless Cricket South Africa choose to be unpredictable. And Behardien remains one of the prime contenders for the middle-order battle.

What goes in his favour is form and, more importantly, experience. But yet, he has been the guy who has been drafted in time and again to fill in the gaps. It's been a curious case the way his career has been handled so far, and thus it takes as much of a guess of where it is headed irrespective of form. In fact, the roller-coaster ride just got a bit too serious post January 2017. Since then, he has been appointed to lead the national team, was named the best Player for Titans in all three formats and then was left out of the ODI squad and the national contract. And now again, he is fighting to find a permanent place back in the side.

"It's tough," he admits, as he opens up to Cricbuzz about the phase after losing his national contract. "To know that you are the best player but you are losing your national contract, it is tough. Fortunately, despite all that was happening, I still performed. That is very pleasing.

"This series is obviously crucial in their thinking, but the World Cup is a long time ahead," he says. "There could be injuries, drop in performances, in international games the guys are going to perform well or not perform well, there are going to be some chopping and changing. So, a long time to go."

He has done little wrong in his career, and yet, managed to play only 59 ODIs and 37 T20Is since making his debut in 2011. A brief cameo here, a brief cameo there, a bit with the ball, a bit on the field. He has gone to three World T20s, two champions trophies and one 50-over World Cup; each time his team being one of the favourites, and with him having no burden of taking his team attain that glory. He has missed out on all the pressure, and at the same time, all the glitz and attention.

As thus it's not too hard to believe when he says, "Winning the World Cup would be amazing, but that wouldn't define my career."

He has had a prolific career otherwise with the Titans, his home club - none more staggering than the last domestic season. While he was losing the faith of the selectors, he made a strong case for himself with a staggering run of form; 560 runs at 80 in the Sunfoil Series, 478 runs at 48.55 in the one-day cup and 234 runs with only one dismissal (SR 165.95) in the T20 competition.

For someone who is so used to being integral in his domestic team's chances, what is it like to be a 'Farhaan Behardien' in a South Africa XI - a team of immensely talented and popular individuals?

"It's so tough" - is his answer.

"I have played in this team where you have Hashim Amla, Quinton de Kock, Faf du Plessis and AB de Villiers. When these four are batting really well, it's very difficult to get 50, 60, 70 balls. You always come in when there are only 20 or 30 balls and you have to maximise. And then you have JP Duminy and David Miller as well. That's why you don't get a real chance to increase your average because you have to play for your team and set the score.

"Or, you are chasing a big score and you have to be hitting anyway. It's tough, you know. For a period of time I used to play 7. And when you are playing seven batters, you don't play all-rounders, you play bowlers. It's tough to manage that towards the end. Batting at 7 was challenging for me from a statistics point of view as well results. I would love to bat (higher)."

On so many days, batting at No 7 in a strong line-up will leave you with very little to prove, but as Behardien puts it, 'that is where matches are won and that is where matches are lost.' He constantly keeps bringing up talks of 'love-hate relationship with the fans' or how 'the fans love to hate him'. And he says, it's natural for them to view him in that manner given the position he bats at.

"They criticise Dhoni as well. He is one of the best in the world. As soon as he doesn't perform, everybody is like 'why is he in the team?'. As soon as he wins a game, he is the best in the world; it's the same position. That's where the game gets won and lost, all the time.

"The same people criticise you, the same people praise you. That's why there is a love-hate relationship. You can be the match-winner and you can potentially not do well and lose the game. From overs 40 to 50, when you are chasing or setting up a score. One day you hit it, get an edge and get caught at the boundary. On another day, it's in the stands."

Nonetheless, going by his life principle, he has picked a pinch of salt already. He has achieved all that he wanted to, that would define him but 'Test cricket'.

"This is my 13th year of professional cricket coming up. I had set out some goals and I have achieved everything but one so far.

"I haven't played a Test match."

He may be touching 35 but he's still hopeful of ticking off his last wish from the bucketlist.

There is one Behardien who has a cap on, an imaginary mike held and ready to drop - who sees life on his own terms, who is not worried. He sees the achievements of his world. He is a star for all that he has achieved. For him, the World Cup and everything en route is a million lightyears away.

For the other, everything matters. He may be hidden in a crowd of super achievers, but it matters to him what 'they' think. For him, all that remains to be achieved is a driving force.

The two Farhaan Behardiens live inside each other; who inside who, is the mystery.