'Playing under pressure takes quite a bit out of you'

Such has been the effect of COVID-19 that the world has changed overnight, forever. While this is a new sensation for many people, it's the type of reality shift that any former sportsperson has already lived through to some extent when they decided to call it quits.

Cricbuzz takes stock of what this feels like, and what some of the effects have been, for cricketers who retired after lengthy careers by taking them back to the first day of the rest of their lives...

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Subramaniam Badrinath may not have spent as much time as he'd have liked at the very top in India colours, but his two Tests, seven ODIs and one T20I tally do no justice to the batting colossus he'd turned out to be in the domestic circuit across two decades. He made truckload of runs during his 15-year association with his home state Tamil Nadu, before playing for a season each for Vidarbha and Hyderabad - who he led to the quarterfinal.

Chennai Super Kings, too, benefited greatly from his 'crisis-man' skills, as two of his best season came in CSK's title wins (in 2010 and 2011). Badrinath had to carry forward that inherent ability to pull his team's out of a hole, all the way until the penultimate game of his lengthy domestic career - in a do-or-die fixture against Andhra in the 2016-17 Ranji season. Mental and emotional exhaustion led to the retirement decision, that came after a year-and-a-half hiatus in 2018.

Here he talks about getting lots of sleep, a sweet indulgence like never before, dabbling between family duties and golf, and coming to terms with his 'former cricketer' tag amidst regular withdrawal symptoms from the sport.

Your last Ranji game was the 2016-17 QF against Mumbai. When it was over, did you have an inkling that it was your last outing in the tournament?

I knew that was the last game, but I knew it in the previous game only. The last league game that I played for Hyderabad was against Andhra. That Andhra game was a very funny game because we had to just get a draw to qualify for the quarterfinals. We were well ahead in terms of points, and we were playing in Lucknow. It was like a cold, winter game, there was heavy fog and the game started only after the lunch-break.

We could hardly see the ball properly but the game went on. It was a really green track in the new stadium (Bharat Ratna Shri Atal Bihari Vajpayee Ekana Cricket Stadium). It had boiled down to after the lunch-break on the fourth day, we had a target of about 240 [219]. It was impossible on that wicket to get that target in two sessions. We had to just survive three-four hours. I was just kind of hoping that the youngsters play out, as I was batting at No.5. But that didn't happen. We were 20 for 3 and I had to bat for about three hours. It was a highly demanding game. So, I thought 'okay come on, this is where I count. This is the kind of situation I've always liked.' So I went out there and played 85 balls I think for some 16 runs [14* off 83]. I got hit on the chest, on the head, everywhere. The ball was just bouncing like crazy. When I got hit on the chest once, a 'vinayaka' dollar on my chain around the neck got cut in two and fell somewhere on the pitch. But I carried on.

The Andhra guys were also desperate, if they won outright, they'd qualify. It was very cold, so the fast bowlers weren't taking a break. They were bowling eight-over spells. But that day, once I finished the game I was mentally gone. I felt 'I can't take this anymore'.

I thought that I'd just go and enjoy the game, but I don't think I was that kind of a cricketer. I was always expected to perform under pressure. I had done it throughout my career. People say 'you're fit, why don't you play?' but I think emotionally that just drained me. When you keep playing under pressure, I think it takes quite a bit out of you. So that decided that I was going to retire.

You announced your retirement a day after you turned 38. What was the feeling like going to bed that night?

To be honest, that time I didn't really miss the game. It was a good feeling. I had already decided that now was the time for family. I had a young family - my wife and daughter had sacrificed quite a bit. I'd realised that it was time to give back to them, which I am trying to do till date. So it was quite relaxing actually, thinking 'okay, I don't need to wake up and prepare. I don't need to do my physical training, technical training, work on my game or think what's next.' Because as a cricketer when you're playing, you're always thinking 'what's next, what's the next match, what are the conditions going to be like, how should I prepare physically and mentally, what should I do?'.

So that was not there I think. I was not so talented. I needed to prepare to get the results. It took a lot out of me. So that was the time when I really felt you know about taking a breather, waking up in the morning, having a coffee really slowly, reading the news, eating my breakfast and then thinking "what can I do now?". Maybe go play tennis with my best buddy [Lakshmipathy] Balaji. He'd retired even before me, so we'd just go play tennis together. It was a nice feeling, I liked it and felt that I'd earned it.

Retirement must've brought an end to strict routines. Was there an alarm that rang the next morning or did you allow yourself to sleep in a little extra?

Yeah even till date I don't wake up early. And my wife keeps complaining about it. I keep telling her that for 30 years of my life I've woken up early, so now it's okay. I just love sleeping now so let me just sleep.

I think one thing I'd missed over the years was watching a late movie. (Now) Sometimes I switch on a movie at 10 pm and I don't want to let it end so I keep watching till 12:30 or 1:00 AM and then I sleep. These are the things that I am really doing now. There's nothing pushing you the next morning. The thought of 'the next day is going to be physically demanding so I need my rest' is not there now.

What about relaxing some food restrictions? What's the one thing that you indulge in now without any feeling of guilt?

Sweets. I've always really liked sweets and cakes. Especially the South Indian sweets. I keep telling my wife now, whatever there is in the house, there should always be a box of sweets. That is something I am indulging in. I am not a person who sits down and eats sweets but when I am just walking past that box, I just open it and take one small piece. At night, when I am alone watching a movie, I get a craving, so I just go and take one more.

The chance to indulge in sweets and the feeling of having earned your retirement are of course great. But have there been days when you've had withdrawal symptoms?

Oh definitely. A lot of days. If any sportsman were to say that 'I don't have withdrawal symptoms', they're definitely lying because it is natural. Because we are different from normal people. Today I am 39 and the best part of my life is perhaps behind me. So when you're just 39 and you say something like that, it's very hard to come to terms with. Because people are actually working at 40, reach a good position at 50 and then they're old.

But we have so much more energy. I am not even 40 yet so it is hard to accept that it's all behind you. I think that is where there is also a big role for me where I am starting MFORE. That has given me some sort of an anchor to give back to the sport. That is one of the major reasons and people don't know that. I am starting something which is addressing the mental side of the sport, so people just think okay he's a former cricketer who is starting something. I think it is not just that, there's more depth to this.

How long did it take for you to adjust to being called "former" cricketer S Badrinath?

I am still trying to accept it and come to terms with it. Somedays I think I can just say "cricketer" on my social media profile. Because it feels like it has all gone so fast. It feels like only yesterday I was sitting behind my father on the bike and we went to practice together. The 30 years of my cricketing career have just gone by so quickly. And suddenly I am already a former cricketer. I still think I am the boy who loved to hit a ball.

I always keep telling people that we [cricketers] see everything fast in life. We finish college, we see enough money, we turn a pro, then we start playing for India, we play in the IPL. We earn big money like only, I think, CEOs earn. We see life early and by the time we're 38, we're retired. What happens is, especially emotionally, we go through a lot. For example, my age doesn't correlate with what I've gone through. What a 50-plus year-old corporate guy goes through emotionally, we've already gone through. It is a little bit hard to accept that.

That's why whenever I meet cricketers I tell them that it is important to keep in touch with your reality. It's a totally different world being a cricketer. If you're too caught up in the world, once you come out you'll be hit by reality. I felt that in 2017-18 when I came back [for a break]. I felt that 'oh there's a world out there apart from cricket'. It seemed strange to me. It was a little bit like 'so this is how real life works'. Even when I go to the STAR office, when I see people working, I feel 'oh this is how an office is, this is how people come to office.' It's a strange world for me. Sometimes I get suffocated being in an AC room because I am used to green grass, sunlight.

What was the reaction of the family to have you around all the time? What kind of a schedule did you have then?

My wife was relieved. In fact, we started putting one timetable. She said 'okay, you're retired now, that doesn't mean that you can keep going to the golf course every day.' So we specifically decided that Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays were my golf days and Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I have to go pick up my daughter from school and do small chores. She [his wife] had assigned some small roles for me to be part of the family process. I had to be a little domesticated, and regularly we had to go out. We took holidays on and off. My wife, my daughter and I, we all love wildlife, so we loved to go on those trips together, stay inside the forest. Just sit by a bonfire and talk.

So yeah basically the family comes first - family comes first, golf course second.

Did retirement also give you a chance to catch up with friends outside of cricket who you couldn't make time for as an active player? And do conversations go beyond cricket?

Apart from Balaji, all my other friends are non-cricketing friends. We catch up a bit more now. I really like the fact that I don't have to think about what I am talking to these friends. I can tell them anything, A to Z, whatever, I can just say. Our conversations are mostly everything else apart from cricket, but somehow it all comes back to the game. Bala [Balaji] and I are there and we don't know anything else.

You've done commentary stints, written columns, you coach a TNPL side and now MFORE. Did you always want to stay associated with the game?

To be quite honest, when I quit cricket, I didn't think about anything. I didn't think about what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I just wanted to take a break. That's all. Because I was really drained. Luckily I think financial security was there, so I should thank maybe Indian cricket. Being an Indian cricketer really helps from that point of view. I've had a long career, played quite a bit of IPL so financial security was there. Luckily, I didn't have to think about working for my living so that part was taken care of. I was confident that the experience that I have, the knowledge that I have is very valuable and somewhere to someone it will come to use. I thought some door would open somewhere but I wasn't actually looking for options or anything.

What did you do with all your cricket kit once you retired?

I gave my pads, gloves and shoes to youngsters, but I am very possessive about my bats. I have a huge collection of them. Even now I like having brand new bats and just knock them. I think I had one of the best bats during my playing days. All the players had an eye on my bat. Even now my friends keep asking 'please give me one bat', but I don't give. In the back of the mind I am always thinking, maybe I can play some sort of club cricket, so I have a kit around. Sometimes it comes in handy in shoots also.

Also read: The story of Mark Butcher, who opens up about his not-so-tough retirement call, how it in-turn fulfilled a long-term ambition