"I realize that they, the selectors, may never really forgive me for what I have done" ©AFP
Could there be a more apt specimen of a tragic hero in the cricketing fraternity than Mohammad Ashraful? The man-child superstar from Bangladesh, whom the country owes a few fabled pages in cricketing folklore, was earmarked for greatness before the dark side consumed him whole.
Ashraful fell in love with the sport as a ball-boy in the 1998 Independent Cup, watching an Indian batsman, similar to himself in stature, take the bowling to the cleaners in the Bangabandhu stadium. Ashraful was in the second division then, but it was that crossroads moment that drove him further to take the leap and defy all odds and break into top-level cricket.
His career shot upwards immediately: he became the youngest Test centurion on debut against Sri Lanka in 2001, and was soon revered as a pin-up superstar of Bangladesh cricket with his match-winning century against Australia in NatWest series in 2005 - a tale of the underdog that will be told, and re-told, in the cricketing fraternity for generations to come. Bangladesh had arrived.
Ashraful was never the player whose numbers justified his talent. However, when his day did come, he would invariably prove that it was worth the wait. When on song, a serendipitous splash of paint on the batting canvas was worth ignoring all manner of statistical inconsistencies. Mohammad Ashraful was Bangladesh's quintessential saviour. Period.
And then, destiny threw a curveball. And Ashraful blinked.
In fact, Ashraful was suicidal in the wake of the match-fixing scandal and confession, he revealed to Cricbuzz on Friday.
Ashraful added that he did not seek mental help and thanked his relatives and BCB chief executive Nizamuddin Chowdhury for showing him the path in the darkest phase of his life.
"I wanted to commit suicide when the news was broken by Kaler Kantho [leading Bengali daily] and it occurred few more times." - Mohammad Ashraful.
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"I shared these thoughts with my brother-in-law [Mojibul Alam] and he did the right thing by ridiculing me. He told me that even a great player like Azharuddin has gone through such hardships. The public and the fans will be upset, but I would have to soldier through it.'' Ashraful recalls his brother-in-law's words of encouragement and support.
''Then the CEO of BCB, Sujon Bhai came to my house to console me. He said that time will change me.'' said a teary-eyed Ashraful, grateful to his friends and relatives during a time of great distress. "My close friend Ashiq, Arif, Tauhid, Jitu, Joy mama used to stay with me till 10-11 pm. I couldn't sleep at that time and that was the toughest time. When I would wake up, I would find my friend beside me again.''
Ashraful admitted that he was anxious about his family and the social stigma that they would face because of him. Furthermore, he was embarrassed that he had let his country down, and felt the need to clear his conscience. He chose not to hide anything from the ACSU and was determined to clear his conscience of all his wrongdoings.
"I always used to think how can I survive in such a situation, how do I show my face in public, what should I tell my family, what will happen to them, how will I cover up the social stigma which will be inflicted upon me and my family," said Ashraful, reliving one of the darkest phases of his life. "When I first met ACSU on that day, I decided that I wouldn't lie. I had made up my mind to tell them everything knowing the consequences."
''We see many news where players after retire were found to be involved in these kinds of cases. If I haven't agreed then nothing would have happened,'' he said, insisting that it was his voluntary choice to come clean, and that he could have gotten away with it if he had played it smarter. However, the passive mental harrassment that came from society was more than enough for Ashraful to handle.
"I knew people were leering at me in a different way, and a lot of my close friends had started to distance themselves from me. That much was evident."
Ashraful added that at times he feels that though many had forgiven him but it is not the same when it comes to getting a chance in the national team.
"I know I need to perform extraordinarily if I want to make a return. In 2018 I scored five centuries in Dhaka Premier League - a record which still stands. So, I proved myself and played well but my effort was hardly recognized," he said, with an unmistakable hint of bitterness.
"After asking for forgiveness there is nothing to do for me. I got the punishment, asked for forgiveness and now if they don't forgive me then I don't have anything to do,'' he concluded.
"I realize that they, the selectors, may never really forgive me for what I have done."
© Cricbuzz
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